I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
