Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
this is an emotional support booty call
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
