It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
