Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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