remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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