I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
