In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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