you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
