The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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