Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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