the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
