Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
