I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
