I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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