I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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