I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
