As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
