I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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