Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
did i just pee glitter
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize