Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
