Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
