he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
