Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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