please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
