I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
