I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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