I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
only you would photoshop your dick
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
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