I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
