this beer tastes like vomit already
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
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