I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
