I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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