how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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