Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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