I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
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