The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
