She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
