She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
