On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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