So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
