I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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