She's JV to your varsity
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
