This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Drunk is not a location!
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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