Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
