I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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