Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
