I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
