Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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