God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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