he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
drinking out of a sandbucket again
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
