I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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