The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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