I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
